Since my nervous breakdown back in February, I’ve been struggling with regaining my footing and getting myself back to where I was before the breakdown happened. So far I’ve been failing miserably. My once to do list making, always try to be early, meticulous self has become a chaotic mess. I’ve barely made a to do list in weeks, maybe even a month. With work and my homework, I’m there/get it done at the last possible second. And I’m too exhausted to be meticulous… now I just strive for good enough.
This isn’t me. This isn’t who I am or who people have come to know me as. I have never felt less like myself then I do right now. I look in the mirror and the person staring back at me is a stranger… a stranger who has no clue what the fuck they’re doing anymore. Everything I was so sure of I’m either unsure of or it’s no longer a part of my life. Things I felt, things I wanted, things I hoped for… all of that has changed. Right now all I want is to get myself and my life back on track… because this chaos is killing me and I can’t be my best self if I’m feeling this way.
So to start getting my life back on track, I made what I’m calling My Master To Do List. Anything and everything I want to focus on right now is being put on that list. I’m doing this so whenever I’m feeling lost or feeling overwhelmed, I can remind myself of what really needs my energy and attention. I won’t share my full list, but right now the three things I’m putting at the top of my list is- Finish my degree (because I’m so close), find a psychiatrist, and get my learner’s permit (because I still don’t have even that and I’m twenty-nine and it’s about damn time). Will this Master To Do List work? I hope so because I need to get myself and my life back on track.
My immediate plans for this blog is to go back down to one post a week for at least the month of April. Since this month is close to being half over, I will use this month to get back into the groove of blogging. If there are any topics you would like me to write about, let me know in the comments below. For the month of May, I will hopefully be able to get back up to two posts a week with those days being Wednesday and Saturday (because those are my two set days off from my now full-time job). I think slowly getting back into blogging is the right choice for me so I don’t overwhelm myself.
Beyond my plan for blogging and the top three things on my Master To Do list, I’m not really sure what I’m doing. There are too many unknowns, too many things I need to get in order and figure out… and I’m overwhelmed to say the least. But some sort of plan is better than no plan… right?
So that’s where I’m at right now. It’s not a comfortable place and not happy by any means, but it’s something… I hope all of you are doing well and are having a good week!