I had a nervous breakdown. There is no way to say it except that way. About three weeks ago, my mental health completely fell apart to the point where almost everything was too hard for me to do. I didn’t write anything nor did I post on my blog, YouTube channel, etc. I fell behind on my graduate school work. I was even sent home early from work one day because I couldn’t keep my anxiety under control. Oh, and I fired my therapist because he was a big contributing factor to my nervous breakdown and when the only advice he can give is “Control your thoughts” and for my fiancée to have my hospitalized if I got worse… well pardon my French, but if I could control my thoughts, I wouldn’t have sought your help, asshole! So that is why I’ve been absent from this blog. It wasn’t planned, it wasn’t a break I wanted or needed… but it’s one that happened nonetheless.
So now onto the million dollar question- What caused my nervous breakdown? The answer is- A lot of things. But to sum it up simply, I become overwhelmed by everything and couldn’t deal with any of it in a healthy way. Honestly, even now after three weeks, I still don’t feel anywhere close to my usual self. I’ve only just begun to start to put my life back together/get organized again… and it’s rough. I don’t feel creative or inspired or motivated. I feel overwhelmed by the dumbest things. A week or so ago my fiancée and I were out looking at fake flowers for our wedding (no real ones because my dad has allergies, plus I don’t want real ones) and I started having a full blown panic attack in the store. My chest was tightening, I couldn’t breathe, it was getting warm, I wanted to run out of the store and cry… all over fake flowers for our wedding! So yeah… definitely not back to my usual self and I have no clue how to get back to my usual self.
Honestly, right now I feel like I’m being split in a million different directions. I feel like what I want/need to do for myself against other wants/needs… and I have this tendency to put everyone else’s feelings ahead of mine, so of course I’m thinking about what other people want/need from me. I know full well I should put myself first, especially at a time when I’m struggling so badly, but it’s hard to because I don’t want to hurt anyone or let them down. Basically I’m conflicted over everything and I have no idea how to sort it all out… oh, and I’ve lost my ability to multitask, which really sucks! Multitasking was one of my biggest strengths and now if I try to multitask, I break out into a full blown panic attack! Is my mental health trying to wipe my slate clean? Or was this an obliteration, not a nosedive?
I’m trying with extreme difficulty to just go day-by-day with everything, but that’s not true to my nature in the slightest… but I’ve been told our natures can change. I’m not sure if that’s true or not, just like I’m not sure of anything else right now, but I do know I’m struggling, I’m conflicted, and I’m trying my hardest to bounce back and I’m not able to do it right now.
On a happier note, I’m going back to Pennsylvania soon to visit my family and friends! With everything going on recently, it feels like something I need to do. I need to hug my parents. I need to watch Harry Potter with my dad and play 500 rummy with my mom. I need time with my best friends to do the things we normally do when we’re together. I need to hug my cat Nightmare and talk to him in my special voice for him. I need to be home. My main hope for this trip (besides seeing everyone I miss) is that it will give me the reset I need. I know my anxiety, all my conflicting emotions, and everything else won’t magically disappear while I’m there, but I know being able to hug and talk to the people I love the most will help me. I may not know what will be resolved or how it’ll be resolved while I’m there… what I do know is that over a year and a half without seeing the people I love the most is too damn long and for someone who is close to their family and best friends, being away that long rips at the heart.
So that’s why I was gone so long. This is what has been going on with me. I’m not really sure how I’ll come out of this, if I’ll be the person I was before or someone better/worse… all I know is that whatever happens is what is meant to happen and I have to trust that it means a better outcome in the long run.
I hope everyone is doing well. I hope your mental health has been good and that you’ve been able to hug the people you love the most recently. And I hope all of you enjoy the rest of your weekend!