I have never had much confidence in myself when it comes to anything. And I do mean anything. I could study for a test in school, know the material inside and outside, and still be convinced I was going to fail. Whenever I developed a crush on someone or got into a new relationship, I had no confidence that it was going to last and that when it did end, it would be my fault- different sides will argue what the truth is on that one. And thanks to my high school theater teacher, I eventually lost all confidence in my ability to become an actress- but honestly he did me a HUGE favor with that one. I could keep listing examples, but I feel like I’ve made my point.
Now I know according to a majority of people in my life, I have a lot of reasons to be confident. My intelligence, looks, persistence, etc, are all things people have told me to be confident about over the past twenty-seven years of my life. And while I appreciate them saying all those things, I still don’t have the confidence I should in any of those things. Why? Because anytime I’ve gained even a small amount of confidence, something or someone has found a way to rip it away from me. And the sad truth of it is even though I have these people in my life who love and support me no matter what, I stopped allowing myself to form any amount of confidence because I didn’t want it ripped away from me. And I’ve definitely identified that as one of the contributing factors to my anxiety and depression.
Now as I’ve mentioned in the last two blog posts, I started freelancing back in December. Since then I’ve had three jobs, two of which are ongoing and one of which is a trial run with the possibility of becoming ongoing, and it has helped me regain some confidence in my abilities as a writer. Since starting these freelance jobs, I’ve gotten a small pay raise and the ability to pick future topics with one of them. And just recently with my hourly freelance job I will be helping with social media content. I’m also now brainstorming and researching my own topics to present as future articles for the site and our clients. Two of my ideas have already been accepted as topics! And I know if my ideas are rejected it’s not personal- Not all ideas work for certain projects or clients. Also some topics are harder to get solid information on, so they might not make for the best articles to write. And I know maybe to some people this doesn’t seem like a lot, but it’s a lot to me. My two bosses are people who had no prior experience with my writing. They never read anything I had written and knew nothing about me beyond my profile on the site I’m using for freelance jobs. But they both took the time to interview me and they both took a blind leap of faith on me and it’s paying off for all of us- at least I hope they feel that way about me! The point is that this is one of the few times in my life where people with unbiased opinions of me-sorry friends and family, but you know it’s true- are telling me how great my writing is and how good of a job I’m doing. And it makes me feel so good… I can’t quite put into words just how good it feels.
But I finally feel like I’ve gained some of the confidence needed to keep going on this path. All those times I doubted my writing abilities, but still kept with it are finally paying off. I know there will be a lot of rejections along the way, but I also know there will be a lot of success too. And knowing that success is possible as long as I keep going is enough to keep pushing me through all the rejections that are just waiting for me.
So maybe I don’t have confidence in my looks or that I won’t completely ruin the relationships in my life or confidence in a lot of other parts of my life, but I feel having confidence about my writing career is a great place to start. If I can build a solid foundation on this, then I can build everything up from there. I just need patience- which I’m still working on- and to work hard for every opportunity that comes my way. The only way I can truly fail is I give up and I don’t plan on giving up. Whether that’s confidence or my stubbornness shining through, I’m not sure about, but what I am sure about is that I’ve chosen the right path for myself and I won’t let anything pull me off that path again. I am confident enough to keep going. I am confident that I am a good writer and that my words do matter to someone. I am confident that things can only go up from here as long as I keep trying for it.
I hope everyone has the confidence to keep reaching toward their goals and dreams, whatever they may be. We can only fail if we give up, so don’t give up no matter how hard things get! Have a great day everyone!